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Emptiness In My Soul This is a story of my experience
with alcoholism and addiction. I was raised in a very loving home by my
mother here in Naperville. It was in jr. high when I started to drink
alcohol. It started out to be an occasional thing and then became something
I thought about quite a bit. The summer before high school I started to
experiment with marijuana. By the time high school started it had become a
daily habit to smoke pot, drink or do both. It seemed that when I drank or
used drugs the emptiness in my soul would temporarily leave. I didn't feel
comfortable with myself and thought drugs and alcohol made it easier. Throughout my freshman year of high
school I experimented with other drugs and was introduced to heroin. I began
to use it occasionally and it quickly progressed from a weekend occurrence,
to every couple of days, to daily use. I continued to smoke pot and drink on
a regular basis but heroin became my drug of choice. I started by snorting
it. But as my tolerance increased I progressed to shooting it. In the
beginning $10 or $20 would be enough for a couple of days and in the end
$150 a day wasn't enough. It got to the point where I would be
"dopesick" after about three hours. Once I was "dopesick," I would
do anything to get more heroin. I became strung out on heroin rather
quickly. I lost 30 pounds and my skin color was a deathly pale. For the remainder of high school I
was in and out of treatment centers with failed attempts at sobriety. My
grades fell and in my senior year in high school I dropped out a month
before graduation. Throughout high school I was in trouble with law and had
resorted to many illegal activities to fund my addiction. As my addiction
progressed, I experienced jail, overdoses, guns pulled on me, car wrecks,
and more trouble with the law. I was traveling to the west side of Chicago
multiple times a day to feed my addiction. Despite all this, the thing that
was most devastating was the emotional pain I caused my family, myself, and
all those I cared about. I put my family through massive amounts of hurt,
fear, and pain. I stole from and lied to them. My family was never sure if I
would come home alive. The only time they knew I was safe was when I was in
jail. I lost all my friends and a girlfriend who I truly loved. When I look
back at all the pain and chaos I spread while I was using, it breaks my
heart. My addiction brought me to where I
couldn't take enough drugs or alcohol to numb the pain. I was in utter
despair. I was faced with a decision. I would cut myself off from everyone I
had ever known and continue to live this junkie lifestyle, or I would give
sobriety one more chance. I knew that I didn't want to keep living the way
I was, so I put all of my faith in God and gave AA a chance. When I became
sober I started going to AA meetings. Through AA I have learned how to live
a spiritual way of life. Today, I have something to fill the emptiness that
I had always sought drugs for; that something is God. Through God's graciousness and the
help of AA's Twelve Steps I am alive, sober, and my life is more beautiful
than my wildest dreams. Today, I have a beautiful relationship with the
woman I love and my precious son. I am able to go to college and get good
grades, as well as work a fulltime job. I have great relationships with
friends and family, and have peace in my soul. There is purpose and meaning
in my life and I am truly happy. The sobriety I have is truly a gift from
God, and I am so blessed to be a recipient of it. Full of Hope |